SAILOR PARK
(a Sailor Moon/South Park crossover)

by Sailor Mac(AmberSesht@aol.com)
and Sonya-chan (sonias@globetrotter.net)

THE South PARK theme:

Les: I'm going down to South Park, gonna have myself a time.
Stan and Kyle: Friendly faces everywhere, humble folks without
temptation.
Les: 'Going down to South Park, gonna leave my woes behind.
Cartman: Ample parking day or night, people spouting howdy neighbor.
Les: Heading on up to South Park, gonna see if I can't unwind.
Kenny: Hmm mph rmph rm hmm mph rmph rm hmm mph rmph rm.
Les: So, come on down to South Park and meet some friends of mine.

(In today's episode, South Park receives some exchange students from
Japan. Because they looked up a teacher's dress, Stan, Kyle, Cartman
and Kenny have to show the exchange students around. The exchange
students are none other than Serena, Amy, Raye, Lita, Mina, Yaten,
Seiya and Taiki, and they are less than pleased at been stuck with a
bunch of primary school kids.)

(Serena, Amy, Raye, Lita, Mina, Seiya, Taiki and Yaten are in a
charter bus heading for their exchange school)

AMY: I wonder what college we'll be going to...
MINA: I hope they have cute guys going there... uh Lita?
LITA: <blushing> Maybe I can finally get a boyfriend...
SERENA: Darn! And Darien had to go to Harvard... This is like so
unfair. I get to go to America and I get seperated from him...
RAYE: (opens an umbrella)
AMY: Raye... Why do you open an umbrella?
RAYE: You know Serena, the water works are going to go off!
SERENA: Hey! I miss my Muffin!
SEIYA: Cheer up Serena, it's only for a week.
(The bus stops)
TAIKI: Looks like we arrived guys (he gets out of the bus)
YATEN: South Park? Is that it? Stars! That place looks crappy!
CARTMAN: Hey Lookit that! There's a bunch of Japs getting out that
bus.
KENNY: Hump..hum.. himnp.. Hmm mph rmph rm hmm mph rmph!
KYLE: DUDE! Can't you think of anything else?
STAN: Yeah! If the school psycologist hears ya... You'll end up in
his office again, dude!
MR. GARRISON: Oh! Those must be those exchange students... hey, wait
a minute, they're way too old... They're teenagers... There must be
an error.
MR. STICK: But they do have good looking girls in Japan, Mr. Garrison.
MR. GARRISON: You are right Mr. Stick... maybe it's not that bad.
RAYE: Hey! They let us off at the wrong place! This is an elementary
school!
BUS DRIVER: This is the right place, all right.
LITA: Do we look like elementary school students? We need to be taken
to the high school!
BUS DRIVER: There is no high school in South Park. The teenagers get
bussed to another town.
SERENA: We're going to be exchange students in an. . .ELEMENTARY
SCHOOL?
AMY: This will never do! Why, I'll be bored to death!
MINA: Maybe we can ask someone what happened. . .(She approaches Stan)
Excuse me, little boy, can you tell me where to find your principal?
STAN: The Principal? Dude! You don't want to go there if you didn't do
nothing...
KENNY: humpt..mmm..mmm.. hrumpt..
KYLE: Watch the language dude! You never know she might be a kinky gal.
KENNY: humm..mm humt.
TAIKI: Amy, my dear, I brought us some advance program books, I was
afraid we might not be challenged. We could share?
AMY: (with hearts in her eyes) Oh Taiki... You're so sweet...
YATEN: Would you two think of something else besides studying?
RAYE: Yeah! You two can be so dull sometimes.
SEIYA: Looks like we're stuck here, let's make the best of it.
MINA: That's the spirit Seiya!
YATEN <sotto voice> No way am I going to enjoy this...
SEIYA: Hey, little boy do you have a football team?
KYLE: We used to, Dude... But someone got injured and the PTA deceided to
cancel all the football practice and games because it was too dangerous.
SEIYA: Baseball?
KYLE: Too dangerous...
SEIYA: Basketball?
KYLE: Dangerous, Dude...
SEIYA: Swimming?
CARTMAN: Because some kid drowned they took all the water out.
SEIYA: WE CAN'T STAY HERE!!!!
YATEN: Soooo... Sports jock's brain does work after all.
RAYE: That does it. We're getting the next flight back to Tokyo. (She
goes to a phone booth, gets a calling card out of her purse and starts
to dial).
SERENA: Brrrr. . .it's cold here. When do you get spring?
KYLE: Spring? What's spring?
SERENA: You know. . .when the snow goes away. . .
STAN: Dude, it's winter in South Park 11 months out of the year.
AMY: Eleven.. .months. . .
STAN: Besides, summer sucks ass. You can't go sledding or build a
snowman.
CARTMAN: And my mom always wants me to play outside! I wanna watch
cartoons and eat Cheesy Poofs!
RAYE (returning from phone booth): It's bad news, guys. . .all the
flights out of here are booked up for the next three weeks.
ALL: THREE WEEKS?
SERENA: We'll never make it!
MINA: We'll freeze to death!
LITA: We'll die of boredom!
CARTMAN: Hey, we ain't lovin' the idea of being stuck with you bitches,
either!
LITA: Keep talking like that, kid, you're gonna regret it!
AMY: Look. . .let's try to make the best of it. We've probably already
heard the worst about this place. . .how many more nasty surprises can
there be?
(Suddenly, Mr. Hankey jumps up out of Stan's bookbag)
MR. HANKEY: HOWDY HO!
SERENA: EEEWWWW!!! IT'S A TALKING PIECE OF POOP!
MR. HANKEY: Howdy ho, girls!
LITA: Howdy THIS! SPARKLING WIDE. . .
AMY (holding her back): No, Lita, don't! Do you really want to
*splatter* this thing all over the place?
MR. HANKEY: I'm here to spread the joy of Christmas.
KYLE: Yeah, he's Mr. Hankey the Christmas poo!
YATEN: Talking poo... What the heck do they put in the Cafeteria food?
SEIYA & TAIKI: <take one step away from Yaten>
SEIYA: You... You actually ate the food at the cafeteria?
TAIKI: That thing wasn't fit for human consumption...
YATEN: I didn't say I kept it in...
OTHERS: EWWWWW GROSS!
CARTMAN: Dude! Do you have the same problem with girls as Stan?
MINA: What do you mean?
CARTMAN: You'll have to kiss Stan to have a demonstration.
MINA: <kisses Stan who is sick>
OTHERS: EW... EW... EW...
YATEN: I'm feeling a problems with girls coming up myself...
CARTMAN: This sucks ass. Screw you, I'm going home.
LITA: Hey! Where the hell did you learn your manners?
STAN: Don't pay attention to fatass.
CARTMAN: I'm NOT a fatass!
KYLE: You're such a fatass, when people see you coming, they say,
"Damn, that's a big fat ass!"
AMY: (to Kenny) Is everyone here this rude?
KENNY: Mmmmph mmmmph mmmph mmmph
RAYE: Suddenly, I'm feeling homesick for youma and droids. . .
YATEN: You're not the only one... heck I'd do a round with Galaxia
rather than staying a minute more with these mutant kids.
KENNY: Mmmmph...mmmph...
SEIYA: Say you wouldn't be related to Hiei wouldn't you?
(The school bell rings, and everyone goes into the school building. The
Senshi struggle to fit themselves into the kid-sized desks).
MR. GARRISON: Now kids settle down The class will now begin... Isn't
that so Mr. Stick?
MR. STICK: Right you are Mr. Garrison.
TAIKI: (glares and sweatdrops) The teacher is talking with a Stick...
WHAT KIND OF A MORONIC SCHOOL IS THIS?
CARTMAN: Look out! One of the Japs is going crazy...
KYLE: Yeah! Maybe he'll do some cool martial arts!
MR. GARRISON: Now settle down, Taiki... no need to get uptight...
TAIKI: No reasons?... Sir, I won't stay here and let my and my
friends' intelligence get wasted away with a teacher that talks with
a PUPPET!!
KYLE: OHMIGOD! He called Mr. Stick a puppet...
CARTMAN: The shit is going to hit the fan, dude.
KENNY: Hmpt..mmmhpt...humpt... mmahpht...
KYLE: Kenny says you better apologize before Mr. Stick gets mad at
you...
CARTMAN: Yeah, he's gonna kick your sorry behind.
RAYE: A couple of pieces of stick with a rag on them are going to
kick my behind? Oh, puh-LEEZE!
MR. GARRISON: Children! Settle down! Now today, since we have guests
from Japan, I thought we'd learn a little about Asian culture. Now,
class, who can tell me something about Japan? Yes, Kyle?
KYLE: They make stupid monster movies that suck ass.
STAN: Yeah, some dude in a rubber suit stomping on Lego houses. What
kind of crap is that?
SERENA: Oh, yeah, and the "Police Academy" films were high art.
(Just then, the principal comes running into the classroom)
PRINCIPAL: Evacuate! Everyone evacuate! Run for the hills! She's back!
MR. GARRISON: Who's back?
PRINCIPAL: Mega-Streisand!
(The whole class screams and runs for the exits, except the Senshi).
KYLE (calling over his shoulder): What's with you stupid Japs? Run
for it! This is Mega-Streisand we're talking about!
CARTMAN: She's seven stories tall! She'll kick your ass!
STAN: Or worse. . .SHE'LL SING!
SERENA (whispering, to others): I think we know what to do. . .
(She waits until all the other students are gone, then. . .)
MOON ETERNAL, MAKE UP!
YATEN: (cracks his knuckles) All right! Ever since I came here I
wanted to hit something... HEALER STAR POWER, MAKE UP!
RAYE: Move over shorty I want a piece of the action too. MARS CRYSTAL
POWER, MAKE UP!
AMY: Mega-Streisand?... MERCURY CRYSTAL POWER MAKE UP!
MINA: If I was her I'd get a nose job... VENUS CRYSTAL POWER MAKE UP!
LITA: The higher they are the harder they fall... JUPITER CRYSTAL
POWER, MAKE UP!
SEIYA: Let's show those twerps... FIGHTER STAR POWER MAKE UP!
TAIKI: Yeah... Let's kick ass...
OTHERS: TAIKI??!!!
TAIKI: haaa... sorry the illiteracy of this place is getting to me.
MAKER STAR POWER, MAKE UP!
(The Senshi run outside, the boys see them)
CARTMAN: Dude, where did all those crazy chicks come from?
MR. GARRISON: Oh my God! Children don't look some of them have just
a little more clothes than they do on Baywatch.
MR. STICK: Right you are Mr. Garrison... I see London, I see France,
I see those girl's underpants.
KYLE: Kick Ass! Black leather... they look like Biker Super Heroes.
(Mega-Streisand comes lumbering around the corner. People are
screaming and running away in her wake).
SERENA: Hold it right there, Ego Queen! I'm Sailor Moon! Champion of
justice! Enemy of super-sized monsters that stomp innocent small
towns!
RAYE (sotto voce): Innocent? This place?
SERENA: And THAT means YOU!
(Mega-Streisand tries to grab her. Serena desperately starts flapping
her wings and manages to fly just out of the way)
RAYE: Hey! Streisand! This is for "The Mirror Has Two Faces!" FLAME
SNIPER!
LITA: And this is for "A Star is Born!" JUPITER OAK EVOLUTION!
KYLE: Damn! These chicks really do kick ass!
CARTMAN: Sweet! Who would've thought they'd be such badasses?
CHEF: Well, hello, children! What's. . .Damn! I think I'm in love!
Who's that gorgeous chick over there in the leather gear. . .the one with
the black hair?
(Meanwhile, Mega-Streisand is barely fazed by the attacks)
MINA: We have to hit her with some combined firepower! VENUS LOVE AND
BEAUTY SHOCK!
AMY: AQUA RHAPSODY! (The combined attack makes her wobble a bit, but
she recovers quickly).
MEGA-STREISAND: <singing> MEMORIES ALL ALONE IN THE MOONLIGHT...
(She levels a few houses with those notes)
SEIYA: ARRRGH! It's a good thing Celine Dion isn't here...
YATEN: Yeah <groan> I don't think this town would last long if they
did that "Tell him" Song.
TAIKI: Yeah with them yelling at full blast. Seiya, Yaten, I think we
should do what Ami and Mina tried to do.
SEIYA: Let's combine our attacks. STAR SERIOUS LASER!!!
YATEN: Good Idea!... STAR SENSITIVE INFERNO!!!
CARTMAN: Sensitive??? Dude like does your puny attack feel sorry for
hurting a monster?
STAN: Yeah, Did I hurt you too much? Dude that's lamoid!
YATEN: If you little creep don't shut up, I'll make you sensitive all
right...
TAIKI: My turn... Star Gentle UTERUS!
KYLE: DUDE! What are throwing to that monster... a diaphragm?
CARTMAN: Dude... What's a diaphragm?
KYLE: I don't know I heard my mother talking about it...
YATEN, TAIKI, SEIYA: GO AWAY OR SHUT UP!!!
STAN: Just our luck, we get stuck with the PMS squad...
MEGA-STREISAND: <sings toward the Starlights that cringe at the sound
of her voice> ENOUGH IS ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. I WON'T GO ON, I WON'T GO ON NO
MORE NO. . .
YATEN: ARRRRRGHH! She killing our ears!
SEIYA: We may never be able to sing properly ever again.
TAIKI: <groan> feel....my... <groan> inner ear... shattering...
RAYE: OMIGOD! SAILOR MOON!
LITA: We must strike her down before she does permanent damage...
SERENA: Okay! All together now, girls... with feelings... SILVER MOON
CRYSTAL POWER *KISS*!
RAYE: I'll show her Starry night! MARS! FLAMME SNIPER!
LITA: We'll rain in your hit parade... JUPITER! OAK EVOLUTION!!!!
(Mega-Streisand bats away their attacks)
SERENA: If only we had some backup. . .Tuxedo Mask, where are you?
If only you'd show up. . .and if not you, then maybe. . .
(Suddenly, a World Shaking attack appears out of nowhere and heads
for the monster. The Inners and Starlights turn to see Sailors
Uranus and Neptune).
HARUKA: Heralded by the New Age, I am here, appearing beautifully,
Sailor Uranus!
(All boys laugh)
STAN: Dude, you ain't sailin' on my anus!
MICHIRU: She's not a dude.
HARUKA: And I don't want to do anything with any of your anuses!
KYLE: You sure look like a dude to me!
CARTMAN: Yeah! An ugly-ass dude!
HARUKA: THAT DOES IT!!! WORLD SHAKING!
MICHIRU: DEEP SUBMERGE!
STAN: Oh my God, they killed Kenny!
KYLE: You bastards!
HARUKA: Oh, he's not dead. . .we just knocked him off his feet. Now
step aside, we've got work to do. . . (The boys move away quickly,
not wanting to mess with her).
SERENA (sotto voce, to Haruka): What are you doing here?
HARUKA: Michiru's playing with an orchestra in Denver. Our plane had
to stop here because of a snowstorm. And it's a good thing that we
did, because. . .
MEGA-STREISAND (singing and knocking over buildings): LOOOOVE,
AGELESS AND EVERRRGREEEEEEEN. . .
SERENA: Okay. . .time for a super combined attack!
SEIYA: WHAT? WHAT DID SHE SAY?
SERENA: I SAID: TIME FOR A SUPER COMBINED ATTACK!
SEIYA: I'm not hungry....
SERENA: W-WHAT???!
SEIYA: That super combo burger sounds good but...
YATEN: Could you two talk about food another time???
SERENA: <confused> What the heck are you two talking about???
AMY: I think the sound vibration she's generating is modulating the
content of your conversation, it also prevent the Starlights from
comprehending us.
SERENA: (sotto voice) Could I have the plain English version, Amy...
TAIKI: I THINK THEY WANT US TO DO OUR SUPER ATTACKS!!
YATEN & SEIYA: OH!
AMY: The more Mega-Streisand sing the deafer they are...
MINA: Is deafer a word?
SERENA (irritated) Never mind! Let's combine our attacks...
REI: What about the Starlights... they can't understand us...
LITA: I think when they'll see the fireworks, they'll hop to it.
SERENA: OKAY EVERYONE A-ONE AND A TWO AND A THREE... SILVER MOON
CRYSTAL POWER *KISS*!
AMY: MERCURY, AQUA RAPSODY!
RAYE: MARS, FLAME SNIPPER!
LITA: JUPITER, OAK EVOLUTION!
MINA: VENUS, LOVE AND BEAUTY SHOCK!
HARUKA: SPACE SWORD BLASTER!
MICHIRU: SUBMARINE REFLECTION!
SEIYA: I THINK IT'S OUR TURN!... STAR FRACTAL REFRACTION!
YATEN: WHAT?... OH!... STAR CORE FUSION FLARE!
TAIKI: STAR METEOR MAELSTORM!
(Mega-Streisand is pelted by the attack and falls but she start
singing her swan song)
LITA: Doesn't she EVER shut up?
SETSUNA: Dead Scream
(The blast finishes off the monster, who transforms back into regular
Barbara Streisand)
STREISAND: Where the hell am I? How'd I get in this hick town? I
gotta get out of here! I've got an appointment to get my nails
done. . .Hey! Somebody! Isn't there an airport around here? Hey!
You! Can you give me a lift to. . .(She runs off).
SERENA (breathing a big sigh of relief): Thanks, Pluto. How did you
know where to find us?
SETSUNA: I was on the way to Michiru's concert. . .and anyway,
I couldn't let that monster keep on singing. The vibrations were
causing disruptions in time.
HARUKA: You okay, Odango?
SERENA: As okay as anyone can be stuck in this horrible town.
RAYE: It's pretty scary here. That monster was the least frightening
thing we've come across.
LITA: Yeah. . .like, try dealing with a grown man who talks to a
couple of sticks.
CARTMAN: Hey, Japs! You still talking to that Asshole Woman?
HARUKA (through gritted teeth): For the last time, my name is SAILOR
URANUS, and I don't do ANYTHING involving anuses. (to the Inners) On
the way back from Denver, we'll come pick you up and get you out of
here.
MICHIRU: Nobody deserves this.
STAN: Hey, dudes! Come on, it's time to go home!
SERENA: Well, I guess this is the next round. . .we have to go meet
our host families. God only knows what we'll find there. . .
CARTMAN: Who are those stuck-up bitches anyway?
STAN: I don't know, dude, but they've (bleep)ed everything up.
KENNY: Mmmmph mmmph mmmmph
KYLE: Kenny! That's gross, man!
KYLE: Dude don't look now here come those exchange students
CARTMAN: Yeah they were probably scared...
RAYE: Well, if it isn't the Cro-Magnon brigade.
YATEN: Yeah... whoopdee doo...
CARTMAN: Fraidy cats! You missed all the fun stuff.
SEIYA: (sotto voce): That's what you think
KYLE: Yeah, did you run and hide?
STAN: Let a little thing like that scare you? Where's your big, tough
chop socky moves?
TAIKI: I don't think you REALLY want to see our "moves".
AMY: Really, didn't anyone teach you monsters about ethnic
stereotyping?
CHEF: Oh, there you are, children. I was wondering if you saw where
that beautiful lady went. . .she had short black hair, she was
wearing long boots and leather gear. . .
YATEN: :::whispers::: Seiya... you hearththrob you...
SEIYA: SHUT UP!!!

CHEF (singing): Lovely leather lady, won't you put the hurt on me?
Yeah, lovely leather lady, won't you put the hurt on me? Bring out
those ol' whips and chains, whip me till I can not see. . .
SEIYA, TAIKI AND YATEN: UGH! Make him Stop!!!!
CARTMAN: Oh, yeah, I saw her. My mom said she and her sisters looked
like cheap whores.
LITA: THAT DOES IT! (Pulls her arm back to hit Cartman)
SEIYA::::mumbling::: Why those little.... ass...
TAIKI: Calm down Seiya...
YATEN: Yeah don't blow our...aaa too late
KYLE: Hey, why are *you* getting so upset, Jap girl? Are they friends
of yours?
STAN: Hey, does that mean she's a cheap whore too?
YATEN::: boilling::: THEY ARE NOT WHORES!!!!
CHEF: Oh, you *do* know those girls! Hey, could you slip my phone
number to the sexy one with the short black hair?
SEIYA: YOU WANT ME TO SLIP SOMETHING UP YOUR (BLEEEEEP!)
SERENA: Whoa, Seiya, cool it! (whispering) Do you want to blow your
cover?
SEIYA: (whispering back) Serena, these people are so dumb they can
barely figure out how to tie their own shoelaces, let alone figure
out our secret identities!
SEIYA: Besides, how would YOU feel to be threated like that?
YATEN: Forget it Fatso... You're NOT her type... I do hope not...
(School bell rings)
RAYE: Finally, back to class. . .after this, the weird guy with the
stick is starting to look entertaining.
TAIKI: I fail to see the entertainment Raye...
(Later that night, Serena is alone, writing a letter)
SERENA: (reading what she's writing out loud) Darien, my love,
wherever you are. . .please get me out of here. These weird people
are staring to *scare* me.
CARTMAN (enters room): Hey, you with the funny hairdo!
SERENA: What are YOU doing here?
CARTMAN: What does it look like I'm doing... It's my room too...
SERENA: I. . .have to share. . .a room. . .with YOU?
AAAAUUUUGGGGHHHH!!!!
CARTMAN: Hey, it ain't no picnic for me, either!
SERENA: Hey... there's only one bed here!!!
CARTMAN: Yeah, and I'm taking it! You sleep on the floor. . .
there's a sleeping bag in the closet.
SERENA: I think I'll go sleep outside. Oh, Gods, what could be worse
than this. . .
(Cut to Amy in the shoddy, run-down trailer where Kenny lives)
AMY: aaaa... and what do you do when you want to study.
KENNY: humpt, uifha humpt...iejfio
AMY: It's pretty dark in here. . .do you have a lamp?
KENNY'S MOTHER: No more lights than this. Gotta save money on
electricity. 'Cause if it weren't for Kenny's NO GOOD DRUNKEN FATHER,
we'd have money!
KENNY'S FATHER: You DRIVE me to drink!
KENNY'S MOTHER: I'll give you something to drink over!
AMY: Am I NEVER going to get any quiet so I can study? Oh, Gods, I
wonder where Taiki is?
(Meanwhile the Three Lights are at Kyle's house)
TAIKI: Geeze we all have to live with the guy who talks to poo....
YATEN: But I really saw it Taiki.....
SEIYA: Man... That cafeteria food IS poison
KYLE: All right, what have you done with Mr. Hankey?
TAIKI: We haven't seen your. . .friend.
SEIYA: (sotto voice) We don't *want* to see your friend.
KYLE: I want to know where Mr. Hankey is! Did one of you flush him?
YATEN: The only Mister Hankey I flushed well... wasn't talking...
TAIKI: Please, don't tell me you checked!
SEIYA: Look, kid, Mr. Hankey isn't real. He's just in your
imagina. . .
MR. HANKEY: Howdy ho!
YATEN: Shoot... man maybe I shouldn't have eaten that Hamburger
Helper.
KYLE: Mr. Hankey, you're safe! And I thought you had been flushed by
those Japs. . .
MR. HANKEY: Now, Kyle, don't go calling them Japs. We're all brothers
and sisters in this small world of ours, we're all alike where it
really counts. . .
TAIKI: I'm sharing a room with a moralizing piece of poo. This is
hell. It's got to be.
SEIYA: I'll say... I wonder how the others are doing...
YATEN: (BLEEEEEP) the others - there's a piece of frigging poo talking
to us!
(Cut to Lita, Mina and Raye bundled in sleeping bags in the living
room of Stan's house)
LITA: Well, we seem to have lucked out. . .compared with the other
three, this kid and his family seem almost normal.
RAYE: I don't know. . .I've got a bad feeling. . .a preminition that
something's going to go very wrong. . .
MINA: What could possibly be. . .AAAAUUUGGGHHH!!! HENTAI! (We see what
she saw: Mr. Garrison peeping at the girls from the bushes outside
with binoculars)
LITA: I say we teach that hentai a lesson... I feel like frying the
creep...
RAYE: I'm all warmed up and ready to go
MINA: Let's give him a goodnight KISS
(They sneak into the kitchen where he can't see them, transform, and
then jump out into the yard).
MINA: (flirtatiously) Yoo hoo! Are you the guy who likes to look at
pretty girls?
MR. GARRISON: Umm. . .umm. . .
LITA: You are, aren't you? I don't think those binoculars are for
birdwatching.
MR. GARRISON: Um, girls, it's not what you think. . .
RAYE: You know what happens to bad little boys... they get fried
MR. GARRISON: F-fried?
MINA: VENUS LOVE-ME CHAIN! (Her chain winds around Mr. Garrison and
holds him in place).
LITA: Want some "electric love?" Try this. . .SPARKLING WIDE PRESSURE!
(She throws the ball of electricity so that it doesn't hit him
directly, but comes just close enough so he feels a good shock).
MR. GARRISON: I'm sorry I won't do this ever again..
Mr. STICK : He swear... he swears
RAYE: Just to make sure you've learned your lesson. . .BURNING
MANDALA!
(The rings of fire surround Mr. Garrison, but come just close enough
to singe his scalp a bit)
LITA (sotto voce): Something tells me we'll be having a substitute
tomorrow. . .
(Next day, in class. No teacher. The principal enters. . .)
PRINCIPAL: You'll be having a substitue today, class.
(Mina, Lita and Raye exchange knowing looks).
Say hello to Miss Crow. . .
(The substitute enters. It's Sailor Lead Crow in disguise).
LEAD CROW: Listen you little twerps I don't like you and you don't
like me so let's make a deal you don't give me crap and I won't kill
you.
KYLE: Whoa! Dude, this substitute's all (BLEEP!)ed up!
SERENA (half-asleep from lack of rest the previous night):
She (yawn) looks familiar, somehow (yawn).
LEAD CROW: YOU TALK?... there will be no talking in class (gets her
whip out, slashes wildly and kills Kenny)
SERENA: Hey! No real subsitute would act like that!
(She starts to run out of the room. The substitute catches her.
Meanwhile, the Three Lights have jumped out the window, unnoticed).
TAIKI: Quickly while everyone is occupied and Serena gave us a good
cover. MAKER STAR POWER MAKE UP!!!
SEIYA: I think I reconize her... it must be Lead Crow FIGHTER STAR
POWER MAKE UP!
YATEN: Let's get her before Serena and the others get hurt HEALER
STAR POWER MAKE UP!
TAIKI: We can't come back through the way we came so we better...
SEIYA: Circle the building and enter through the class door.
YATEN: Are we yapping? or are we going?
(The Starlights run into the school and must pass near the Cafeteria.
Chef sees them and leaves his Gumbo unattended while the love of his
life pass throught the corridor)
CHEF: Oh my sweet Leather Godess, come to Chef and he will sing the
blues for you baby.
YATEN: Don't look now Fighter, but I think your secret admirer is
following us..
SEIYA: WHAT? <groan> Not again...
YATEN: I told you not to look now...
(They arrive in front of the class)
TAIKI: Penetrating the darkeness of Night.
SEIYA: We are the Three Sacred Shooting Stars...
YATEN: And we are here to bust false substitute chops...
PRINCIPAL: What clothing! This isn't in the dress code! You have one
day suspension, each!
TAIKI: SAILOR STAR MAKER
CARTMAN: What did she say?... Sailor Star Faker?
SEIYA: SAILOR STAR FIGHTER
KYLE: No, Dude I think it's this one whose Faker...
YATEN: SAILOR STAR HEALER
STAN: Here comes the Sailor Whores guys...
TAIKI, SEIYA & YATEN: SAILOR STARLIGHTS STAGE ON!
LEAD: <yawn> Are you finished... I almost fell asleep waiting for
you...
YATEN: Bitch, bitch, bitch... that's all you Animal Maids do...
LEAD: THEN CHEW ON THIS! (Crow launch her attack to get Healer's
Star seed)
(The Starlights eludes it easily but at the same moment Chef comes
through the door)
CHEF: Oh where are you my... (gets hit by Lead's attack)
YAAAAAARRRRGGHHH!
KYLE: OH NO! CHEF!
CARTMAN: THIS SUCKS MAN!
STAN: HEY! What's that flower doing there on his forehead.
CHEF: (transforms into) SAILOR BLUESMAN!
KYLE: Hey! Chef's a monster! This kicks ass!
SAILOR BLUESMAN: It's time to BOOGIE! (He starts to sing, but it's a
piercing, wordless noise that causes the room to shake and students
to drop over unconscious).
SERENA: Okay, we've held out long enough! (She jumps out the window,
followed by the other Inners).
CARTMAN: AAAUUUGGGHHH! THAT NOISE! SHUT THE (BLEEP!) UP!
LEAD CROW: Okay, Fat Boy you're next! Let's see what kind of a. .
.AAAIIIEEE! (She is hit in the face with a blast of water).
AMY: Get away from those kids and give Chef back his Star Seed, or
you'll get more!
SERENA: And believe me, there's plenty more where that came from!
Back off, substitute, you're dealing with SAILOR MOON!
AMY: And SAILOR MERCURY!
RAYE: And SAILOR MARS!
LITA: And SAILOR JUPITER!
MINA: And SAILOR VENUS!
SERENA: In the name of the moon, we will right wrongs and triumph over
evil! And that means - OW! HEY, LET GO OF THOSE! THEY'RE ATTACHED!
KYLE: (letting go of her wing) Geez, just wanted to check if they were
real! Excuse me for living!
(Sailor Bluesman starts singing again. The Scouts cover their ears)
SERENA: This is starting to make me miss Mega-Streisand!
TAIKI: Funny, I really don't, Sailor Moon.
SAILOR BLUESMAN: OH My baby loves me... BLUESMAN BRING ME LOVE CHAIN
(ensnares Fighter)
MINA: HEY! That's an infringement on MY Attack...
SEIYA: LET GO YOU CREEP!!!
SAILOR BLUESMAN: (imitates Georges Brown) Oh sweet mama... Come here
and I'm going to make sweet love to you... Can't get enough of your
love Babe...
SEIYA: ECCHIIIII!!!! HELP!
TAIKI: LET GO OF MY SISTER YOU... YOU... HENTAI!
CARTMAN: What's your problem? You Sailor Whores...
YATEN: Let go of Fighter! You degenerate.
STAN: Why should he... You jealous or something?
KYLE: Yeah You afraid you won't get any...
YATEN: If someone doesn't shut them up I swear!!!!!
SAILOR BLUESMAN: OH Baby.. Come to Papa...
SEIYA: SOMEBODYYYY!.... ANYBODY HEEEEEEELP!!!!
(Just then a Rose slashes the Gumbo chain that held Fighter)
SERENA: TUXEDO MASK! MUFFIN!
KURAMA: AAAA... Not really I wanted to call my Rose whip and I
dropped my rose... hehe... silly me.
YATEN: KU-C... KURAMA!!!
CARTMAN: DUDE! Roses??? and what's with the pink clothes...
KYLE: Yeah, like is he gay or something?...
STAN: All those rose petals... it's not very macho if you ask me...
YATEN: Nobody did twerp!
SERENA: <sotto voice> What's YOUR excuse to be here?
KURAMA: Well... You see, me and the Reikai Tantei were investigating
a house in Amithyville. I entered a room, there was this wierd flux of
reality and I was taken here...
SERENA: <blinks> Actually that makes about as much sense as us ending
up here...
YATEN: Well, I'm glad you're here... My life has been a living Hell
ever since I came here. <she snuggles to him>
STAN: Ewww... Look guys, that Sailor Whore and the Pink Fag are going
to kiss.
KYLE: That's disgusting, Dude!
KURAMA: <sotto voice, getting angry> WHAT did you call her?
CARTMAN: Sailor Whore, Dude... That is, if you're a Dude...
KURAMA: <trying to stay calm> Are you calling the woman I love a
WHORE???!!!
STAN: You got it pansy-ass...
CARTMAN: Want to make something of it?
KURAMA: Yeah, going to teach you some manners <he transforms into his
seven foot Youko form and starts to growl> SHIIIIINEEEEE! <he runs
after the South Park kids>
KYLE, CARTMAN, STAN: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!! <they run away
Kurama in hot pursuit>
LITA: <looking at Kurama running after the South Park kids with a
murderous glint in his eyes> Man... Remind me to always be on his
good side.
YATEN: GO GET'EM KU-CHAN!!!
<As Kurama chases the kids around some sort of weird portal opens and
Hiei poke his head>
HIEI: Hmpt! <when Kurama passes before him he grabs him a pull him in>
KURAMA: LET ME GO HIEI! I HAVE TO GIVE THESE KIDS A LESSON!
HIEI: Baka kitsune!... We got work to do! <Pulls him in and the portal
dissapears.>
YATEN: Ah nooo... Ku-chan.
<When the portal closes, Maker sees an opening to Sailor Bluesman>
TAIKI: I have him STAR GENTLE UTERUS!!!
SAILOR BLUESMAN: OH yeah mama! MORE! (he grows absorbing Maker's
attack)
YATEN: Oh... Nice going Maker.
TAIKI: HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW THIS WOULD HAPPEN????
SERENA: Starlight Honeymoon Therapy KISS! (The healing has no effect,
and the monster just grows bigger). AAIIIEEE! It's indestructable!
LEAD CROW: Say goodbye, Sailor Failures. . .my creature will make
sure I have ALL your star seeds!
SAILOR BLUESMAN (singing, to Seiya): Oh baby, your Star Seed. . .
isn't what I need. . .
SEIYA: AAAUUUGGHHH!! WILL YOU GUYS THINK OF SOMETHING? ANYTHING?
LEAD CROW: Sailor Bluesman! Stop pawing that Senshi and kick all of
their butts! Bring me their Star Seeds, NOW!
SAILOR BLUESMAN: I'm a lover, not a fighter!
LEAD CROW: I didn't CREATE you to be a LOVER! Now DO WHAT YOU'RE
TOLD!
SAILOR BLUESMAN (singing): Do what you're told! She says, do what
you're told! Oh mama, why must you be so cold. . .
LEAD CROW: YOU'RE TOTALLY USELESS! Your Star Seed is junk! (She goes
to throw it away, but Mina intercepts it and throws it to Serena,
who returns it to Chef. He turns back into his normal self).
CHEF: What the hell happened? (Sees Seiya) Well, hello, baby! How'd
you get here?
SEIYA: AAAUUGGGHHH! GET AWAY! GET AWAY!
(Sailor Lead Crow starts to escape, but is intercepted by Serena).
SERENA: Oh now, you don't! We haven't finished with you! (Strikes
"I will right wrongs and triumph over evil" pose) You killed Kenny!
(Strikes "and that means you!" pose) You bastard!
CROW: (the Police Box appears she hops into it) I didn't kill him...
I just took his Star Seed... tootles.. (Box closes and disapears.
Black tentacles surround the body of Kenny)
CHEF: My black leather godess... take out your whip and hurt me
mama...
SEIYA: ECCHIII! HELP! THAT CREEP STILL IS HOLDING ME!!!
YATEN & TAIKI: LET GO OF HER (They rip the blackboard up and konk
Chef on the head, freeing Seiya)
LITA: Aaaah... Guys wasn't that a bit off the mark.
MINA: Yeah...
SEIYA: Listen, I really don't think it was all that fun.
CARTMAN: Well what do you expect with that get up of yours.
KYLE: I look like a slut but threat me with respect.
STAN: If you guys don't want Chef to touch you then change costume.
YATEN: Maker... Hold me back or else I'm going to kick their sorry
behinds.
TAIKI: Why should I? I want to kick something too but it won't be
behind.
ANY: But guys, we have to protect them, they are innocent...
RAYE: (sotto voice) Them... innocent?
CARTMAN: (looks under their skirt) Oh yeah Stan they all have the
same color panties.
LITA: YOU PERVERT! (sha makes Cartman kiss the floor) aaaa... That
felt good.
(Just then SAILOR KENNY bursts out, he actually looks civilised)
SAILOR KENNY: I dare say good fellow, we must stop this foul language
in such charming company... (bows) my ladies...
CARTMAN: OH MY GOD! IT'S WORSE THAN I THOUGHT!
KYLE: DUDE! HE'S FREAKED!
STAN: DUDE! LIKE I'M SCARED... DON'T JUST STAND THERE SAILOR GIRLS...
DO SOMETHING!!!
SEIYA: I don't know... it seems like an improvement to me.
SAILOR KENNY: (to Sailor Moon) Would you like a spot of tea and some
cake my dear?
SERENA: Don't mind if I do...
CARTMAN: What the hell is wrong with you, Kenny? You've become a
pansy-ass!
SAILOR KENNY: My dear fellow, must you be so uncouth?
KYLE: What the hell is uncoot?
SAILOR KENNY: Come, my dears, let us repair to the manor for some
refreshments. (He leaves with the Scouts).
STAN: This sucks ass, dude.
KYLE: You said it. What the hell did they do to him?
CARTMAN: I want the old Kenny back, dammit!
KYLE: All this shit started when those exchange students came to
town.
CARTMAN: Yeah, so what are we gonna do about it?
STAN: We've gotta chase them outta South Park.
KYLE: And I know just the guy for the job. . .come on, we're going
down into the sewer.
CARTMAN: I DON'T WANNA GO INTO THE SEWER! It sucks! It smells like
rotten ass!
KYLE: We gotta go there! It's the only place we know for sure that
we'll find Mr. Hankey in the daytime!
(Cartman, Kyle and Stan walk in the sewer)
CARTMAN: Dude! This blows... BIG TIME!
KYLE: Not as much as you when you fart.
CARTMAN: Hey! I happen to have a very bad intestinal problem.
STAN: I would have too, if I was a fatass like you.
CARTMAN: Will you quit it with the fat jokes?
KYLE: If you weren't this fat we wouldn't be joking about it.
CARTMAN: I AM NOT FAT... I'm just undertall.
STAN: UNDERTALL? Dude! By what? 3 feet?
CARTMAN: WILL YOU STOP?
KYLE: We better stop or else he'll sit on us.
STAN: Yeah and Dude... You don't wanna him to do that here...
(Suddently Mister Hankey arrives)
MR. HANKEY: HOWDY HO!
STAN: Mr. Hankey... We got a big problem.
CARTMAN: YEAH! Ever since those Japs arrived, everything's been all
<bleep>ed up!
KYLE: It must be those Japs' fault.
MR. HANKEY: Now... now boys don't cast blame like that. Just because
those people don't have same customs as you, doesn't mean they are
bad.
STAN: Yeah! But weird stuff arrives when they're around... It must be
their fault!
MR. HANKEY: Stan, my friend, don't judge people because bad things
have happened.
CARTMAN: Monsters have been attacking the school and each time the
exchange students disapeared a group of girls appeared.
KYLE: Yeah! And they dress like hookers too.
STAN: And that's not all Mr. Hankey... A strange lady has transformed
Kenny into a... a...
CARTMAN: The word you are looking for is pansy, Dude!
KYLE: Yeah... and those girl can change him back but they won't...
STAN: Yeah, they said it was an improvement!
MR. HANKEY: That isn't very nice (voice changes into something more
menacing) Let's show them some manners boys...
(Meanwhile, Kenny and the Senshi are having a cappuccino at an
outdoor cafe)
SAILOR KENNY: Of course, "Masterpiece Theater" hasn't been what
it used to be for years. When was the last time it produced
something along the lines of "I Claudius?"
AMY: Too true. . .I agree.
SAILOR KENNY: Of course, one simply cannot watch PBS *all* the time.
That's what cable TV is for. I favor The Learning Channel, although
The History Channel also has some delightful programming. . .
(There is a rumbling noise)
LITA: What was that?
RAYE: Probably nothing. A jet passing overhead. . .
LITA: That didn't sound like no jet.
(The rumbling is heard again)
SERENA: That sounds almost like an earthquake!
ALL SENSHI: AN EARTHQUAKE? (They get up to flee)
SAILOR KENNY: Relax! There's no cause for alarm! I'm sure it's just
a. . .
(Just then, a humongous version of Mr. Hankey rises from the sewer).
MR. HANKEY: HOWDY HO!
SAILOR KENNY: Good morrow old chap... What brings you here?
MR. HANKEY: YOU GIRLS HAVE BEEN VERY NAUGHTY!!!
YATEN: <spooked and shocked> amanaamanaamanaamana....
TAIKI: Okay, NOW I miss Mega-Streisand!
SEIYA: That's one freaking big piece of poop!
RAYE: Gee Fighter, thanks, we would have never guessed.
LITA: If it's a fight it wants... SPRAKL<iik>
(All the senshi stop her with huge sweatdrop on their heads)
YATEN: ARE YOU CRAZY????!!
AMY: Even I don't want to calculate the amount of... of..
TAIKI: I don't care to figure out the splatter zone either...
MINA: EWWW... Jupiter don't do it!
MR. HANKEY: I HAVE ONLY ONE REQUEST... HEAL KENNY! I KNOW YOU CAN
DO IT...
SERENA: Okay... okay.. don't burst a... err... I'll do it. SILVER
MOON...
SAILOR KENNY: CEASE! SAILOR MOON! <turns to Mr. Hankey> I refuse...
ALL: W-WHAT?
SAILOR KENNY: It's simple I despise the small and uncivilized
creature I once was... I ask to not be changed back.
MR. HANKEY: (turns back into small Mr. Hankey) But Kenny... That
isn't you, wouldn't you rather be yourself?
SAILOR KENNY: If being myself means getting killed once a week,
living in a trailer park, and spending all my time with gutter-mouthed
people with no manners, then. . .no.
MR. HANKEY: Kenny. . .your friends want you to come back. They went
down into the sewer for you!
SAILOR KENNY: If they really *were* my friends, then. . .Wait a
second! I'm talking to a piece of excrement!
MR. HANKEY: But Kenny, it's me, Mr. Hankey! You remember me, don't
you? Even if your friends hadn't sent me to take care of the exchange
students, then. . .
RAYE: Hold it right there, crapola. You said they sent you to take
care of us?
MR. HANKEY: Ooops!
LITA: That does it! Those little creeps have been asking for it ever
since we came here!
SERENA: I think it's time for. . .a showdown!
YATEN: Yeah! They've insulted us...
SEIYA: They told us we looked like whores...
MR. HANKEY: Weeelll... You know...
TAIKI: Don't you double-standard us... Weren't you the one that
told Kyle not to judge a book by its cover?
MINA: Besides I think their costumes are cute... Take off the gloves
and boots and you can get a great tan...
ALL THE SENSHI: (look at her, sweatdropping)
MINA: What?... It's true!
RAYE: Never mind! It's a fight they want.
LITA: Then it's a fight they're gonna get!
CARTMAN: That's big talk... but who here have the guts to put their
money where their mouth is...
KYLE: Yeah! Cause we're ready to kick ass...
SEIYA: The only ass that's going to be kicked around is yours!
STAN: See Mr. Hankey they are bad people...
MR. HANKEY: Well Stan... I think we all have out faults in this mess.
ALL: SHUT UP!
AMY: ::mumbling:: Funny that a piece of poo should talk of messes...
SAILOR KENNY: As for I... I will stand by the Sailor Senshi.
KYLE: CRAP! How are we supposed to win if even Kenny is against us?
MR. HANKEY: I'm with you guys...
CARTMAN: <sarcastic> They have super powers and what do we have a
talking piece of poo... We're doomed.
MR. HANKEY: But I have super powers too. Remember? (He points toward
the sewer) RAW SEWAGE! (A huge wave of disgusting stuff rises from
the sewer and heads toward the Senshi).
ALL: AAAAIIIEEEE!!!
LITA: LET'S GET THE HELL AWAY FROM THAT! (They start to run)
SAILOR KENNY: INSTANT HEAT! (A huge wave of heat radiates from his
hands and bakes the sewage into a tower of dirt)
ALL SENSHI: NANI?
SERENA: He's got powers, too!
RAYE: He's a true *Sailor*!
KYLE: Dude! Kenny's become a freak!
SAILOR KENNY: The only thing freakish around here. . .is YOU! (He
aims an Instant Heat attack at Kyle)
MR. HANKEY: COLD CRUD! (Another wave of raw sewage comes out of the
sewer, freezes into ice on the way, and neutralizes Sailor Kenny's
attack).
SERENA: Looks like Kenny needs our help. . .STARLIGHT HONEY. . .(But
before she can finish her attack phrase, another attack comes rumbling
in from another corner. . .it's a "World Shaking" and it's headed for
Mr. Hankey, who leaps out of the way, leaving Sailor Kenny to take
the blast).
STAN: Oh my God! This time they really did kill Kenny!
KYLE: You bastards!
HARUKA: OOPS!
YATEN: URANUS??? What have you done?
TAIKI: Poor little guy... he went all splat!
SEIYA: Uranus... How could you miss?
HARUKA:<sotto voice> Have you ever tried to target moving poo?
MICHIRU: It was an accident... Uranus didn't mean it...
MR. HANKEY: You see kids... Fighting never solves anything. I hope
everybody learned his lesson.
SERENA: You're the one who started to attack us!
RAYE: Yeah! If you didn't attack us Sailor Kenny would still be
alive.
MINA: Anyway we were close to changing him back... he was boring.
TAIKI & AMY: HE WAS NOT!
LITA: I think I speak for the normal people of this group when we
thought he was begining to be boring...
ALL (EXCEPT TAIKI AND AMY) <nod>
CARTMAN: You mean, you would have let Kenny back to normal?
SERENA: Yes...
KYLE: Then it means...
STAN: It's all Mr. Hankey's fault!!!
MR. HANKEY: Now, boys, don't jump into conclusions here...
CARTMAN: You started all this! You're responsible!
STAN: YOU killed Kenny!
KYLE: You bastard!
MR. HANKEY: Now boys. . .let's just talk this over. . .
STAN: LET'S FLUSH HIM!
MR. HANKEY: AAAIIIEEEE!!! (He starts to hop away, the boys hot on
his tail).
LITA: Okay, I don't care about any splatter zone. SPARKLING WIDE
. . .
RAYE: I don't think it's necessary. Look!
(Mr. Hankey has leapt back into the sewer grating. The boys gather
round it).
CARTMAN: COME ON OUT HERE, YOU A**HOLE!
MR. HANKEY: NEVER!
STAN: YOU'D BETTER NOT SHOW YOUR FACE AROUND HERE, HANKEY, OR
WE'LL. . . .
CHEF: Boys! What's going on?
(They all quickly get up)
KYLE: Um, hi, Chef, we were just looking for. . .
CHEF: Well, never mind, children. I just came from the Board of
Ed meeting. . . I've got some bad news. They slashed the budget to
nothing and cancelled the exchange student program. I'm afraid your
friends will have to go back to Japan.
ALL: ALL RIGHT!
SERENA: We're outta here!
TAIKI: It's about time! <he hugs Amy>
DARIEN: <arrives running he is out of breath> Huff, puff, Sorry...
I'm... late!
SERENA: MUFFIN?
CARTMAN: Muffin? what the hell?
YATEN: I guess everybody is happy now we get to go home.
KYLE: Good riddance...
STAN: Yeah...
CHEF: Wait Kids! There's more!
SEIYA: I don't think this is good...
CHEF: The Board of Ed was able to salvage enough money to fund your
field trip and they decided to send your whole class to JAPAN!
ALL SENSHI: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
DARIEN: They're just kids it can't be that bad!
HARUKA: It's worse... much worse!
SERENA: You have no idea, Muffin. . .
LITA: Oh, well, at least we know they won't be bringing that talking
poo with them.
DARIEN: Talking. . .poo?
SERENA: It's a long, long story, Muffin. We'll explain on the way
home. Let's get the hell out of here.
RAYE: (sotto voce) At least if we know it'll be awhile before they
get there, we can plan our attack strategy before they arrive. . .
HARUKA: Well, Michiru's manager chartered a private plane for her,
I'll just call him and tell him we'll be bringing back a few more
with us.
MINA: So long, kids! I wish I could say it's been a blast but. . .it
hasn't!
(The Senshi leave)
CARTMAN: We gotta go to Japan? That sucks ass!
KYLE: Yeah, just when we thought we'd gotten rid of them. . .
STAN: Maybe it won't be so bad. Japan's got some cool stuff too. . .
CARTMAN: Yeah! Maybe we'll get to see a Ninja warrior chop someone's
head off!
KYLE: Well, we may as well go home and pack. . .
(Cut to several hours later. We see the boys with suitcases, waiting
for a bus to take them to the airport. Unbeknownst to them, they're
going to have a stowaway for the trip. Mr. Hankey jumps out of the
sewer and hides himself in Kyle's suitcase).
MR. HANKEY: (whispering) Howdy ho. . .hee, hee, hee. . .

The end?

SAILOR MAC'S NOTES: This piece, inspired in part by Lin Lin's "South
Moon," was written by Sonya-chan and myself during a series of e-mails
and Instant Messenger sessions. We thought we'd have some fun with
the characters from two of our favorite 'toons, and we hope you had
fun reading it as well.

Sailor Moon was created by Naoko Takeuchi. South Park was created by
Trey Parker and Matt Stone. None of these characters are ours, we're
just borrowing them for a little while.